Most children are disrespectful at time and it can be difficult not to take this personally. However as with most behaviour bordering on the unacceptable you should choose your battles. A muttered “whatever” under the breath shouldn’t send you into overdrive. An authoritarian parent would upbraid the child but an authoritative one would know to turn a deaf ear. Authoritarian parents demand compliance but while we should expect respect we shouldn’t take every door slam and stomping off as a personal affront. Often small acts of rebelliousness stem from the fact that a child/teen is wanting to become more independent.
So ignore mild acts of disrespect and only challenge major outbursts. Shouting abuse and making extremely unkind or derogatory remarks need to be addressed. Try not to take words spoken in anger – or even delivered with cold disdain – personally and fear that your child no longer loves you. This is almost certainly not the case. In fact when a child or teenager shouts “I hate you or “I wish I’d never been born/adopted into this family" – take heart from the fact that he feels secure enough in your love to make such a statement. Outbursts are natural because children have not yet developed the skills necessary to deal with rage, frustration or other strong emotions. Articulating these feelings in this way however disrespectfully is often the only coping mechanism they have and it’s preferable to outright violence.
Faced with name-calling and hateful words it’s easy to feel that your child despises you. Pause for a moment and remember the times you became enraged and shouted angry words or hurled nasty remarks at someone you love. How many times have you made hurtful comments and regretted it later? You may have said (or felt like saying) “I hate you” but when your anger subsided the love returned. This is equally true for your child.
So, try to remain calm and remember that your child is just a child/teenager who is not yet fully developed emotionally and less capable of controlling their outbursts. They will do and say things they regret and make childish mistakes but don’t let their immaturity cause you to respond in similar fashion.
Even if you do feel hurt and/or angry, try to put those feelings aside when considering discipline which is about providing guidance for your child.
On the other hand you should not, as some permissive parents are wont to do, permit disrespectful behaviour because what your child is expressing is his “authentic feelings” or that the gist of his argument has some truth. Whatever valid points your child may make, you must not acknowledge them if they are screamed at you in an abusive way. Tell your child that his behaviour is unacceptable.
Instead of saying “Don’t speak to me like that”, state calmly “I won’t listen to you when you speak to me in such a way” and turn away. Never engage in shouting matches – walk away, go into another room. This emphasises to the child that he cannot get what he wants through disrespectful outbursts.
Here it is imperative that you show your child the type of behaviour you expect by speaking to him in a calm and respectful fashion and that you will only accept that kind of communication. You should never be abusive or disrespectful in retaliation.
The best way to discipline (that is teach better behavior) disrespectful kids is to treat them with respect and insist they do the same for you, other members of the family, teachers and so on. Your child’s disrespectful behaviour will gradually diminish as he realises that it gets no response from you and that such behaviour puts an end to any negotiations.
This article was taken from Parenting Without Tears: Guide To Loving Discipline